This is part of my story
I have mood changes;. Sometimes I'm manic, other times depressive. These usually they stay around few days each symptom. However the highs and lows and length of time are not as extreme as those who have been diagnosed with BiPolar. The medicine I take really helps keeping any symptoms under control.
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. (Lamictal under control)
My disability is a dysfunction in my brain call a chemical imbalance
A chemical imbalance in the brain is said to occur when there's either too much or too little of certain chemicals, called neurotransmitters, in the brain. Neurotransmitters are natural chemicals that help facilitate communication between your nerve cells. Examples include norepinephrine and serotonin.
The chemicals produced by my brain to regulate the numerous bodily functions. My mood is regulated by the chemical, serotonin. If an adequate supply of serotonin reaches my mood then my mood ends up in my esteem level. In my esteem level a I have self esteem, rational thinking, prestige, and a feeling of accomplishment.
Without enough of the chemicals I end up in below
Love/Belonging
Rational thinking is the ability to consider the relevant variables of a situation and to access, organize, and analyze relevant information (e.g., facts, opinions, judgments, and data) to arrive at a sound conclusion.
My mood in the esteem uses rational thinking, good self esteem. a feeling of prestige, and a feeling of accomplishment, and my emotions in check.
(Note: The esteem level has to receive an adequate supply of Serotonin to manage my level of self esteem. if not then I am back to my emotions taking control)_
There are two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Where my mood will reside.
If I fall below the Love./Belonging level, then I do not have a path to recreating contingent self esteem, as well as not having approval/
If my mood receives an adequate supply of self esteem, then my mood goes to
my esteem level
I will ex - self esteem , confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others. Having these traits allows me to use rational thought.
If my chemical imbalance restricts the amount of chemicals to regulate my mood, then my mood is weakened and will not be able to land in my esteem level because of the shortage of self esteem. The result is my mood will be found in my emotions level. The needs that my mood needs to cover is
This is my social level
Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. Affiliating, being part of a group (family, friends, work). Note: this level has up to you provide support friendship trust and acceptance...
It is from here when you can self esteem using all the needs listed above. Using my family for support while this self live you family will always reinforce these traits.+
An important restriction is here,
If I am not able to get my family's approval/support, and I am stuck here in Safety Level
Now this where my depression calls home.
(You not like what I have written below, but it is my perspective describing what I was dealing with, and why)
Because of my chemical shortage I do not have anyway to return to the Esteem Level. Yes, I could make an effort, but I would like addict looking for my next score. Without the support of my family and friends, I would have to the following day searching for more self esteem and it becomes a chore that causes me to lose focus of what i should be doing
So if my family want to deny my need for the above needs, then my mood begins to weaken, because I will be isolated and alone.
Without having the ability to use my rational thought, my emotions start taking control. When I have a loss of self esteem, when I lack the confidence and prestige, I am not going to be out front in completing the task at at hand, or keeping focused on the next step, My depression is now covering my brain in fog.
Since I do not have anyway to gain back my self esteem, I do not have anyway to fight back when my family starts "attacking" me, by ignoring me, or make it plain that I am not welcome as part of this family, at that point ,my mood is going into survival mode and I am back in the same place I was several years ago. So do I spend money or do something like take a trip to some nice place. Here again I have to go outside my family to find the needed self esteem. And because my family did not give me approval to use that self esteem. This is just as it was a few years ago; when I would find it and then lose it. Keep reading below
Also if I get criticism, ignored, told that you do not want anything to do with me, each interaction keeps weakening my mood. if my mood keeps weakening my emotions are taking complete. The is no rational thinking, I am under complete control of my emotions. this when start to have thoughts about ending my life ( that does not mean I will do it). But that is why I started using money, finding other groups; Atlanta diocese, taking photos, probably spending a little money to upgrade my camera equipment.
I felt that I was gaining some self esteem, but when I would come home, and I felt that I was not welcome, so I had to go somewhere else to try to find additional self esteem. Taking events in the Diocese of SE Florida, I found they really appreciated what I was doing , and they enjoyed my company. What I gained was acceptance, self esteem, prestige, feeling of accomplishment, friendship and trust. Each event provided me a path back to my esteem level but when I came home I back in my emotions level with a non supportive environment, and my mood starts weakening once again. Over the last few years I was able to experience similar events.
Here are my concerns.
Because of my inability to produce enough serotonin to keep by mood in my esteem level. I can not use other sources, because if my family does not approve of me I will never be able to be well again. I will not be able to use my rational thinking and live in my emotional level.
It is here where all my symptoms of depression appear.
loss of short term memory and sleep issues
But now, I do not have those events now, so I have no way of finding more self esteem. So, I hope at some point I will be able to find people that can help me satisfy the needs to build up my self esteem.
Because of the Pandemic, I can not build a close relationship with other people could end up just being depressed and leading a miserable life. Perhaps. I could buy a bunch of cats, and while I am sitting in my rocking chair with cats walking all over me.
With the loss of rational thought, my mood presents the symptoms of my depression
Feelings that apply to me. These symptoms are always with me.
- Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
- Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
- Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
- Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
- Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
- Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things,
Bottom line here:
This what happens without enough Serotonin is produced by my brain I guess you can call me a fraction of a human being. There is a void in my brain that needs to be filled. Unless I can fill that void, then my mood continues to slip. Or, If my family will not help me to meet the requirements, then my mood continues to worsen. Added to that, is the frustration of when I am able to satisfy some of the requirements of the esteem level, then if my family will not approve me to be a part of the social/belonging, and then I get dropped down to the safety level.
What happened 20 years ago, my depression presented itself It was caused by Aziz and his father. My health was in jeopardy. I developed headaches, etc. My doctor said I needed to go to St Joes to get an MRI. There was not any hard damage, but alot of software damage. I was referred to Dr Schwinn. After a few sessions, he diagnosed with PTSD.
Despite what you you thought, I was not ready to go back, I needed to work my way in to full time real job. This caused by not being able process tension and stress. With these symptoms, it could lead to another stroke.
I needed a little time to get back in the routine of working a job that includes tension and stressed which I was not able to process.
What I needed was your support to help as a partner and a coach.
So I was left on my own to work my way back to a dealing with a regular job
Your only concern was when or why I could not work. People with depression can not get better without someone to help and coach me back to be able manage my depression. Depression is not short time, but will have it the rest of my life. It can not be fixed or cured. It is disability that I have to learn to cope with my symptoms. Because I do not have the ability to produce the brain chemicals to manage my depression., I need help from activities I like to do and friends who care about and want me to get better.
So the line is that negative support will only make me sicker. Threats, etc. will not work. My brain is in dire need of positive support, and when you get mad at me or treat me not as a partner, but I am not sure what I am, but I know you do not like me and you not want continue as a married couple. given your disposition towards me mixed my with disability, is not a very healthy environment for me. My depression will get worse if you do not want to support me.
From my perspective why would anyone want to stay in a relationship with someone who does not want me around. Of course, it would be very expensive and a real stressful situation. We have the money to get the divorce, but I know if we both could live Separate Lives on the money that remains. But if our relationship continues as it does now, my health may not be able to survive.
Since there is something I did to make you want to leave.........
Let me take you back a few years. You never treated me very well causing my depression to get to the point where taking my life as a better option than staying in a marriage where I you do want to be a part. In my old age I want to be part of a loving wife and family. Not someone who is ostracized from a family is supposed to care about me.
Be what caused my bad behavior to take over my life.
Here is my story. I did not want to ....Contingent Self Esteem
But my disability took control, of my life. My depression drove me toward me taking my own life. I was living in a dark cloud, not knowing how to get myself out of that black cloud. But then I had to opportunity to make a $100 donation to Day 1. After I wrote that check, suddenly I felt so much better that I was helping, and was thanked by the staff at Day 1, and I felt good about what I did. So helping others out became a ministry for me.Then I began visiting parishes and other Diocesan groups. People thanked me for what I was doing and it made me feel good about what I was doing. However nothing changed here at home. So all the good I did away from home was not reinforced by you at home. So had you supported me, I would have been able to cope from my depression, and all this running around would not have been necessary. Also this source of this positive stimulus was fleeting it never lasted longer than the activity. So like an addict looking for a fix. to make me feel better for a short period of time, then I had to become hunting again for my next opportunity to find a more positive stimulus. So still not getting support from you which I would not need to go elsewhere for support.
However, since my behavior caused so much bad feelings I decided no matter what happened more I would not go back to doing what I did before. My behavior before while not good it saved my life. I came very close to ending my life, not because of an emotion, but my brain/body needed to feel much better, but since I did not give it a positive stimulus, to be able to keep supporting my mood. But now if it ends my life I do not want to through this again.
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